Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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