it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
The air was thick with penises
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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