It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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