Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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