hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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