So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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