I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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