Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
well, you know. whores of a feather.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
