once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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