how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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