Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
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