i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Acid is not a monday night drug
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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