I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
