If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
