dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Found the puke drawer
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
