It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
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