either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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