I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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