I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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