he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Randomize
