He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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