Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
