Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
