He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
