I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
