I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
We are two peas in an std pod
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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