I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
someone owes me an orgasm
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize