my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
