I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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