Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
