At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Randomize
