I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
The best revenge is premature balding
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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