Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
