Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
