I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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