Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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