I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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