I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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