ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Randomize