After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
