I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
