going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
