can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
