I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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