got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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