How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
