Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
