You can't motorboat a personality
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
