So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
