I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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