Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize