You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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