If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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