I wanna passion pit in your ass
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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