He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
