i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
