How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Randomize
