you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize