i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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