that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
